Melancholy Day

Today and Father's Day are probably the most nostalgic and melancholy days of the year for me.

May 20th is my dad's birthday, with whom I have no contact. I know this is my choice, and that I can pick up the phone, or drive the (about) one mile to the place that he lives with the newest girlfriend and her two (I think?) children. I could spend time with him, going out to eat, laughing, spending money, etc. I could go on trips to Rocky Point, California, and wherever else he feels like. I could pretend that the everything's awesome and move-on, live and let live, but I can't. I've never been much of an actor. I've never been able to accept the relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with this man. I've never been able to accept and come-to-terms with the fact that I have NO relationship with him.

It's sad, I know. I feel like a bitter person when I talk about it. But I've become comfortably numb with this relationship. I've accepted that I will never have the father/daughter relationship that I've so longed for these 22 years.

This arrangement just works best for my psyche and sanity. It's almost like I would prefer the memories that I have with him than be disappointed with the reality. So until things change, I'll feel the same, every May 20th/ Father's Day. But hey, that's life!

Woo! I feel better just having written that all down. Until next time, keep it real!

Currently Listening To: Copeland - To Be Happy Now